I can’t seem to get back to my topic of threats because there are just too many stupid things that really deserve mention. Here’s one of them:

This is not a commentary on whether to smoke cigarettes. Rather, I am wondering whether the point of ridiculous has finally been reached. I learned today that an anti-smoking organization has identified and defined the dangers of fourth-hand smoke. Of course I had no idea there was such a thing. To review the other “identified” kinds of smoke, here’s a summary.

First-hand smoke is what I’m inhaling when I smoke a cigarette. That makes sense. Second-hand smoke is what is drifting all around me while I am smoking the cigarette. If you’re in the area, you’re going to smell and perhaps inhale some of it. This second-hand smoke is supposed to be extremely dangerous, so you’ll get lung cancer from it. My suggestion is to go elsewhere, since most of the country is smoke free, so I sure am not leaving the very few places that I can actually smoke.

Anyway, once I put out my cigarette and walk away, and the visible smoke is all gone, the particles that are left are third-hand smoke. I don’t know what it does regarding one’s health, though I’ll be the first to admit it makes old trucks that have been smoked in for years smell like rotten ashtrays. Dog crap stinks too, but it doesn’t cause cancer.

That leaves us with this new hazard, fourth-hand smoke. It comes from new, sealed packs of cigarettes. I have packs of new, sealed cigarettes and they have never given off any smoke. The “smoke” comes from people seeing the cigarettes and wanting to smoke them, and once someone lights a cigarette, he or she will get first-hand smoke, the cigarette will give off second-hand smoke, when it’s extinguished there’s the third-hand smoke.

So, this fourth-hand smoke is what starts the process, causing all the other smokes. Fourth-hand smoke is very dangerous (I am told) and carries with it high health risks. I suppose that fourth-hand smoke should be controlled by doing something, I’m not sure what. What I do know is that I couldn’t possibly come up with something so bizarre as this assault on logic.

But, I might as well try. I propose fifth-hand smoke, which is the space that a pack of cigarettes will occupy once it is placed somewhere. Since there is the fourth-hand smoke danger from the pack itself, then the empty space is equally a danger. This can be prevented by filling all possible spaces that a cigarette pack could be placed. I propose that we fill all those spaces with bullshit.